E-Care Message Board

From annl:

 I was thinking that might help to open up conversations and not be quite as formal. Sometimes, when I was alone with my Mother, there wasn’t anyone to talk to who would understand. All of her neighbors were elderly, and my friends were hundreds of miles away.

There may be people on the group who need what I needed back then, just someone with whom to talk.

From annl:

I have a question for the group.

How do we go about healing the scars left emotionally from caring for someone with dementia? After 2 years, I’m still working on it.

Do you notice changes in your loved one at a different pace than those who do not see him or her on a daily basis?

From annl:

I caregive for both my sister-in-law and father-in-law long distance. The position we are in is equivalent to one person being drug addicted and taking all of the parent’s money, while the rest of us do damage control — badly. This is why I am writing to ask for tools to deal with anger.My father-in-law has legitimate issues of anger with his daughter, none of which can be resolved at this time. Because of a head injury, she has no impulse control, and has gone through a lot of money, several men, and moved herself and her daughter at least once or twice a year for many, many years. Her father has paid for all of this, and continues to do so.

I now have him separated from her, he lives in a beautiful assisted living complex that provides all of his needs. She still has her name on his checkbook, and is bleeding him dry. There is a brother who contributes money to both of them.

None of them will actually address the problem, they just yell and scream at each other in private and public. They were always a verbal family, but this has escalated, and is so explosive that I have never seen or heard this extreme level of anger-denial-rage before.

When we are all together, it can only be for a small time, a day and evening at most then my husband and I have to completely remove ourselves from being near any of them so we can calm down.

None of their problems can be reversed and I do not see this being resolved. In the meantime, I’m looking for tools to deal with their anger, yelling, and screaming either on the phone or in person.

Thank You.

The biggest question I am finding myself up against in taking care of my mother, who is showing early-to-intermediate signs of dementia, is regarding verbal handling of the situation. When she exhibits abnormal behavior, I have (except when frustration calls too heavily on my emotions) responded with complete acceptance, even when she is completely wrong (except where safety would be compromised). I am concerned if I am enabling and encouraging an increase in abnormal behavior.

How do you get some respite time for yourself, from the hard work of caregiving?

What sorts of arrangements have worked well, and what have you learned to do differently?

What stops you from arranging a break for yourself?